My Mistake

Her Searching Voice, My Ultimate Discovery 

A conversational discourse between a father and his daughter. 

Daddy, is it right to restrict people from doing what they want to do especially as they have grown up? 

Will it not be totally wrong to always tell your precious daughter that she cannot do this or do that even when you know others are doing it without been harmed or stopped? 

Why are teenagers often subjected to such bondage of taste not, touch not and the likes? 

We can’t visit friends, friends cannot visit us, we can’t move about, we can’t even explore our own environment because you our parents will not allow us. Is that really fair dad? 

Why can we not be trusted? We must we have parents who have given birth to us but who never believe that we don’t have something evil or negative off our sleeve? 

If we make calls in your presence, you will ask who we were talking to. If we receive calls, you keep monitoring us like we are putting our first leaving certificate in the fire. Why is all that? 

We can’t develop our talents because our parents are not in support. Every morning, we become the object of one sided sermons that always points to our weaknesses without any regard for our successes. Dad, is that how the world operates? It this how you were chained by your own parent? Did you get to this height you are today with all those kind of measures put in place by your own parents that happens to be our grandparents? Dad please talk to me. 

Now, I can’t even give my phone number to my friends. I can’t have them come home to cheer me up and of course I also can’t go to them to cheer them up. 

You and mum always say that you have us in mind. You always say that you are doing everything you are doing today because you love us, but in reality, I don’t seem to see any love. All I can see is a parent who don’t want to see us happy. Each time you and mum are back from work, we scamper here and there just to hide ourselves because it seems our worst nightmares are back. 

Dad I need your response to all because its driving me crazy. 

Hmmmmmmmm that was the word of my daughter that Saturday morning at my study room. She was blunt and she was damn serious and she was so straight to the point.  

For the first time in my life as a parent, I was so confused that I couldn’t reply her. Did my parents truly train me the way I am training them? 

I never had parents that trained me beyond being morally sound. I never had parents that restricted my movements and yet I am principled and living a happy life today. Look at me here being queried by my own children because of the measures I had put in place for them. Up until now, I never knew that I had hurt them so much from my constant monitoring. In fact, I feel so guilty now knowing fully well I have deprived them of that which would have made them happy. I have always wished to be their friend. God has blessed me with just three but each day as they grow, we seem to be detaching from ourselves. My wife has complained a lot. I cant even remember the last time we watched or did something together as a family. Now I get where all that had come from. Hmmm

This set me to search my archives. I was searching for no particular book in mind. I wish I knew what I should search for. 

In that confused state, a leaflet caught my attention. I picked it up and that was my journey to becoming better in parenting. I read the story within and I cried. 

I’d like to share that story with you. Sit down and read through with me. 

Be Very Sure

  “I’ve done the best I can in raising you children. I don’t know what more you want me to do. What is it that other parents are doing that I am not doing? I gave birth to you all, right in the church, and I’ve done my best in leading you in the way of the Lord. I’ve ensured that you r physical and material needs are met to the best of my ability. I’ve tried to give you nothing but the best since your father passed on, leaving you all in my care along. Please, tell me what else you’d have me do because what you have become is not what I desired and prayed for? P-l-e-a-s-------e” Pamela’s voice trailed off, as she sobbed uncontrollably. 

What was supposed to be their morning devotion came to an abrupt end. Unconcerned, her children exited the place of prayer one after the other. Only Jasmine remained. She left the sofa where she’d sat, pensive all the while her mother spoke, and sat on the arm of the sofa beside her. Hesitantly, Jasmine put her hand on her mother’s shoulder. Sensing her presence, Pamela looked up, sniffed and wiped her tears all at once. Jasmine spoke hurriedly, afraid she might change her mind. “Mom, none of us can deny the fact that you’re giving us your best. But we’re just not comfortable with the way you handle a lot of issues that affect us, our social lives especially.” 

Avoiding looking into her mother’s eyes, Jasmine went ahead and talked about how she and her siblings felt their mother was doing everything possible to make them anti-social. They couldn’t keep friends without her objecting. She forbade them to visit anyone, and anyone to visit them. Not even their cousins, classmates, or other children in the neighborhood could come around. Though they desired to have conversations with her most times, they couldn’t do so because she’d always shut them down, referring to their conversations as “cheap talks.” The only time they got to have a simple family discussion was during the morning devotions, where she’d tell them that they would end up in hell if they didn’t stop misbehaving. Also, she was always too busy to take them out. The only place they ever went was church. There, they were even forbidden from associating with other children. She scarcely complimented them on their good behaviour, and always came down hard on them when they made any mistake. 

Taking in everything Jasmine had said, Pamela knew within herself that something was amiss with her parenting style. She knew she had some soul-searching to do, and got down to do it without wasting time. Immediately the children left for school that day, she called the office to let them know she’d report there later than usual. She critically evaluated her parenting style: the way she denied her children association with other kids, the way she always preached at them, her impatience and overbearing attitude, her demeanour, dispositions, motherly affection, etc. 

After the self-examination, she agreed that she’d been overbearing and wasn’t doing a good job of the children’s upbringing. She had denied them their social life and other aspects of their lives. Making up her mind to make adjustments, she cried out to God for help and got what she asked for. Soon, the situation in her home changed. Her “intractable and recalcitrant children” became well behaved and good Christians, and all she just did was to search her life, and make adjustments in the areas she was found wanting. 

After reading this very article, indeed I wept. I could see my failures described in Pamela and I resolved to become a better parent. I quickly searched for my wife and handed over the leaflet to her. She read and her face became teary too. “So this has been the problem all along? I had thought that my children were reacting base on the influence and peers they go along with at school.” That same day, we went down on our knees and apologized to our growing children. We didn’t promise them much, but we were determined to become their friends just as they have friends outside. 

We have given them Gods word and they are not disappointing us outside there.

I trust you’ve learnt a lot from my daughter’s expression to me. Please share to parents out there. Share and don’t reserve it to yourself alone. They need to read this as well. God bless you. 

Story curled from Christian Women Mirror, December 2014 edition titled “Does I Add up?”

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